Lights, Camera, Auction

The original post has been removed (possibly ordered removed) but this hilarious advertisment was recently posted on Ebay's UK site. Read right to the very end and don't contact me if you want to buy any of this stuff.


You are bidding on a collection of 50 (approx) 12" singles and LPs of crap music.


My sister found these in her attic last weekend, where they has been sat gathering dust for the last couple of decades. They used to belong to her ex-husband, who is one of the biggest arseholes ever to draw breath. I never liked the wanker, and based my initial antipathy towards him on his taste in music. Not to put too fine a point on it, he was that most contemptible form of pond life, a Jazz Funker. This meant that as well as shit taste in music, he had appalling taste in clothes too. Pringle jumpers, pleated Farrahs, shoes that looked like pasties, white socks, revolting shirts and a comical wedge-cut hairdon't. Add to this 80s fashion horrorshow a Ford Capri and Super Mario-style moustache underlining his bulbous nose, and you get an object lesson in twatdom. No wonder Northern Soul fans (and everyone else) treated the Jazz Funk fans with sneering comntempt.

I couldn't comprehend what on earth my usually sensible sister could possibly see in the pillock. In vain I pleaded with her to send him packing. My argument that his hankering for Earth Wind & Fire records and attendance at soul weekenders made him a poor choice of mate was waved away as the rantings of a callow youth. She felt my reasoning was unsound.

Reader, she married him.

He made her life miserable for a few years with his moping, moody belligerence (and playing horrendous records like these). He told her lies and generally behaved like a platinum c*nt. Then he dumped her for his mistress when my sister was four months pregnant.

It's now nearly 20 years later and I would still like to take a meat tenderizer to his face. But his most horrendous crime, worse than wiring up my granny's shower so it was electrically live, worse even than his infidelity or the awful way he treated my sister, was the fact that he actually liked the abomination known as Jazz Funk. Here is the evidence. What a bastard.

Well, I suppose I'd better tell you what's for sale, though why you would actually want to own this dreck is beyond me. It's basically music for people who have a deep-seated hatred of music and want to inflict their pain on the world. But here goes nothing.

First the 12" singles.

ARTIST A B Label No Comment Year Condition (visual)
Beggar & Co (Somebody) Help me out b/w Rising Sun Ensign ENYT201 1981 VG++
Bob James Sign of the times b/w Westchester Lady ; Tappan Zee CBS 1608 1981 VG
Central Line Nature Boy (full version) b/w Nature Boy (83 mix) ; You've said enough Mercury MERX131 PS 1983 VG++
Change Searching b/w Angel in my pocket WEA K79156 Company bag 1980 VG+, small WOL
Chi Lites feat Gene Record Have you seen her b/w Super mad (about you baby) 20th Centry Fox 2481 1980 NM
David Joseph You can't hide (your love from me) b/w You can't hide (acapella/Instr) Island 121S101 PS 1983 NM
Debra Laws On my own b/w Long as we're together Elektra 12529 1981 VG++
Eddy Grant Do you feel my love b/w Symphony for Michael, opus 2 Ensign 4512 Company Bag 1980 VG++
Eddy Grant Can't get enough of you b/w Neighbour Neighbour ; Time Warp Ensign ENYT207 Company bag 1981Ex
Fantastic Four Bring Your own Funk (BYOF) b/w Sexy lady (remix) Atlantic LV14 1978 NM
Galaxy feat Phil Fearon Dancing Tight (dancemix) b/w Dancing Tight (instr) Ensign 12ENY501 Co bag 1983 Ex
Gap Band Burn Rubber on Me (Why you wanna hurt me) b/w Nothin' Comes to Sleepers Mercury MERX52 PS 1980 VG+
Heatwave Gangsters of the groove b/w Someone Like you GTO GT13 285 1980 Ex
Johnny Bristol Love no longer has a hold on me b/w Til I See you again Ariola Hansa AHAD567 1980 VG++
Kid Creole & Coconuts I'm a wonderful thing (baby) b/w Table manners (remix) ZE 12WIP 6756 PS 1982 VG++
Level 42 Love Games (full length ver) b/w Forty two Polydor POSPX234 1981 VG+
Light of the World Time (remix) b/w I'm So happy Mercury MERX64 PS 1980 VG++
Light of the World I shot the sheriff (ext mix) b/w Painted Lady; A new soft song Ensign 4612 Co Bag 1980 VG+ small WOL
Love Unlimited Orchestra Lift your voice and say (united we can in peace live today) b/w My Fantasies Unlimited Gold ULGA 13 1496 1981 VG++
Lynx So This is Romance b/w So This is Romance (Rio mix) Chrysalis 2546 PS 1981 VG-
Machine There but for the grace of God go I b/w Get your body ready RCA PC1456
Co bag 1979 VG++
Melba Moore Love's comin' at ya b/w Let's go back to lovin' ; Love's comin' at ya (instr) EMI America 146 1982 NM
Odessey Inside Out b/w love's Alright RCA 266 1982 Ex
Patrice Rushen Never gonna give you up (won't let you be) b/w Don't blame me Elektra 12494 1980 VG+
Players Association Turn the music up (remixed disco ver) b/w Goin to the disco (remixed disco v Vanguard VSL5011 PS 1979 VG+
Roberta Flack Don't make me wait too long b/w God Don't like ugly Atlantic K11555 1979 NM
Seawind What cha doin' b/w I need your love A&M 7575 1980 Ex
Shakatak Brazilian Dawn b/w You Never Know Polydor POSPX282 1981 VG
Shalimar Dead Giveaway (ext ver) b/w I don't wanna be the last to know Solar E9189T PS 1983 Ex
Sharon Redd Never Give you up b/w Beat the Street (instr & vocal) Prelude 13 2755 1982 Ex
Sugarhill Gang Rappers Delight (long version) b/w Rappers Delight (short version) Sugarhill SHL101 1979 VG+
Yarborough & Peoples Don't stop the music b/w You're My song Mercury MERX53 1980 VG+
Unlimited Touch I hear music in the streets b/w In the middle Prelude PRL D 605 1980 VG+
Fantasy You're too late b/w You're too late (instr) Pavillion 4z8 6408 1980 VG+
Kid Creole & Coconuts Annie I'm not your daddy b/w You had no intention Island 6801 PS 1982 VG+
MFSB Mysteries of the world b/w Manhattan Skyline CBS TSOP 9501 1980 VG++
Kool & the Gang Let's go dancin' b/w Stand up and sing De Lite DEX9 PS 1981 Ex
Third World Dancing on the floor (hooked on love) b/w Who gave you (Jah Rastafari) CBS 1214 1981 VG+
Sharon Redd Can you handle it b/w Leaving you is easier said than done Epic 9572 Cobag 1980 VG++
Shakatak Dark is the night b/w I lose myself Polydor POPSX 595 PS 1983 VG+
The Whispers It's a love thing b/w Girl I need you Solar SOT 16 WOL 1980 VG++
Donald Byrd Love has come around b/w loving you Elektra 12559 1978 VG+
Roberta Flack feat Donny Hathaway Back together again b/w Only heaven can wait Atlantic 11481 1979 VG++
Now the LPs


ARTIST TITLE Label No Year Sleeve Disc Comment
Linx Intuition Chrysalis 1332 1981 No sleev VG
Level 42 World Machine Polydor POLH 25 1985 VG++ Ex two copies!
Earth Wind & Fire Raise CBS 85272 1981 Ex VG
Odyssey hang together RCA 13526 1980 VG++ VG+
Summer Flying Home Touchstone BBT 113 1979 VG++ Ex
Earth Wind & Fire I Am CBS 86084 1979 VG++ VG+
Earth Wind & Fire Best of vol 1 CBS 83284 1978 VG++


VG++


I mean, Shakatak for fucks sake. What a prick. And surely he must have realised that buying anything by Shalimar would open him up to ridicule. Even those bands' mothers couldn't bear to listen to that stuff. I know I couldn't. None of this is play graded, only visually. I just could not bring myself to dirty my stylus with this bollocks.

Boring stuff: - I grade conservatively, particularly when I don't like the records. Don't ask me to split this lot. You buy it, you buy all of it and pay the shipping. I'm not keeping it in my house any longer than strictly neccessary. For the same reason, no returns. I don't want it back. Shipping in UK is £15 because the weight is approx 10kg. I'm willing to ship overseas at cost, but it's likely to be expensive (maybe £45 in europe) and frankly this crap isn't worth the stamps. If you want to collect from Croydon, that's OK but I will look at you with a contemptuous sneer as you stand in my doorway, proving by your purchase that you are tone deaf and tasteless.

Good luck, and God help you for liking this drivel.

A Right Royal Affair

Nearly 30 years ago, on 29th July, 1981, I sat glued to a little television set in my flat in Finsbury Park, London, and watched Charles and Diana get married. Three decades have gone by in the twinkling of an eye. Now I'm awake in the middle of the night, 6000 mile from Westminster Abbey watching Prince William and Kate Middleton (a "commoner" -only in the UK can class stratification be so overt) take the plunge. These events seem to have an effect on me as here I am coming out of my blogging hiatus to comment. Curious as I'm not really a Royal fan; "go figure" as they like to say on this side of the Atlantic. Anyway these goings on have given me cause to reflect on the Then and Now.

In 1981, at the dawn of the computer age, Margaret Thatcher was Prime Minister (I'm still traumatised) and Elizabeth II was Queen of the United Kingdom and Colonies (somethings never change). The country was reeling from race riots in Brixton and elsewhere. The Irish troubles were very prominent and IRA detainee, Bobby Sands, died while on hunger strike. Tottenham Hotspur won the FA cup in fine style after a replay (Yay, Ricky Villa!) and John McEnroe won at Wimbledon. The Specials' "Ghost Town" was #1 and Bob Marley's "No Woman, No Cry" was also in the charts (surely pop music really was better back then). On the technology front, Germany launched its TGV, Europe's first high speed train and IBM started producing the first PC. It wasn't a good year for assassinations: Anwar Sadat was killed in Egypt and attempts were made on the lives of Ronald Reagan and Pope John Paul II. Elias Canetti won the Nobel prize for literature -I bought Auto-da-Fé at the time and it still resides, unread, on my bookshelf. The first case of a peculiar skin cancer (Kaposi's Sarcoma) in a gay man was diagnosed in Britain, although other cases had been observed in California -little did I know that this disease was to keep me employed for many years after.

Since then the tragicomedy of the Royal Soap Opera proceeded in a way that could not have been made up. In other areas we've witnessed wars (Falklands, Gulf I and II, Afghanistan) and diseases (AIDS, SARS, H1N1, Mad Cow to name but a few). Technological triumphs have taken place in space (the shuttle, international space station and Hubble telescope), medicine (statins, Prozac, Viagra, anti-retovirals) and communications (FAX machines, personal computers, cell phones, the internet, iPods, email and Facebook). Global warming has worried us and the Irish Troubles largely ceased. Video games have kept us entertained to the point of addiction. Cars have acquired catalytic converters, crumple zones, computers and airbags. Football (soccer) has become a global marketing opportunity although cricket is mercifully (mostly) unchanged. Popular music now mostly consists of people I haven't heard of although fresh talent like Adele, Joss Stone and bloody Coldplay still emerges. Britain now has great food (it was never that bad) and the US makes good beer. London has acquired The Eye, the Erotic Gherkin, the Millennium Bridge and Dome, the Lloyds building, the Assembly building, Docklands, Canary Wharf, the Tate Modern and the Globe Theatre. Transport developments include the Jubilee Line extension, bendy buses (boo), bike lanes, Boris' bikes and congestion charges. Smoking, which was even permitted on The Tube back then is now banned just about everywhere including pubs, thank goodness.

Like it or not, William and Kate's wedding is the kind of event that causes reflection. I suppose this is a good thing -at the very least it's snapped me out of my blogging stasis. So today I'll put a small placemark in history as well as my own life events. I'm now looking forward to the next 30 years and wondering what the wedding of the Royal Couple's first offspring will look like and of course what will occur on the World Stage in the intervening years.

On Sabbatical

It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes' powers of observation to notice the paucity of posts over the past year. The reasons for this slowdown are multifactorial and I'm not sure that even I understand them all. The simple fact is that after six years of fairly regular commentary, I no longer have the inspiration or inclination to produce copy with the same frequency as I did a year or so back. Thus I've decided to take a sabbatical until the summer. In this time I intend to pursue personal and business projects and maybe even take time to smell the roses. So thank you all, gentle readers, for your patronage of this site -I hope we can resume our relationship in the not too distant future.

Chimes at Midnight!

Well there goes another one...

Happy New Year, Everyone!

Musical Postcards: Mumford & Sons

In previous posts I may have opined to the effect that contemporary popular music is inferior to that of my youth (60s and 70s). Well I went to see this lot in Seattle last week (Thanks, Olivia) an am delighted to report that they've gone a long way to redeeming this current generation's penchant for dire, milk-toast pop and heinous rap. Great job guys -keep up the good work. A brilliant concert all round.

Where There's a Will There's a Way

I'm excited. Soon I shall be going to see this production at Ashland Shakespeare festival:



"Shakespeare?" you ask. Well, yes. I should point out that the clip above is the stage adaption of this film (I'm not responsible for the wretched music that starts playing halfway through):



Still not getting it? Don't worry, it's a bit tricky. The second clip is from the film is Throne of Blood, by Akira Kurosawa and it's an adaption of the play in the clip below -a very entertaining film version of the original, if you see what I mean. Note that these last two clips are different interpretations of the same scene.



Brilliant or what...? Old Bill is great in any language!

Something Wrong with this Picture

Last summer I was going to the gym 2-3 times per week. This year I'm going to the physical therapist 2-3 times a week to fix the damage to my musculoskeletal system (L frozen shoulder if you must know) I incurred in last year's activities. According to my doctor, the problem should resolve in about a year whereupon I can go back to the gym. There's something strange about this cycle of events...!

Peter Alexander Greenlaw Quaife

Bass player extraordinaire with The Kinks. You really got us and influenced a generation of guitarists. Requiescat in pace.

Customer Service

Now here's an insight into some local salesmanship tactics. The other evening, sometime after 6.00pm, I was settling down to an early dinner when there was a knock (or rather a pounding) on my front door. I felt disinclined to answer as such intrusions are usually made by someone trying to sell me something. It may be a sign of the times but I can't remember when a friend or neighbour just showed up without giving prior warning. Anyway the knocking, or perhaps I should say hammering continued along with additional ringing of the doorbell. I was even more disinclined to answer but frankly disturbed by the aggressive nature of the intrusion. Later on I happened to go outside and noticed a flyer attached to my door. Across it was a hand written note -see above. Perhaps not the kind of sentiment that is conducive to customer relations in a depressed and competitive market! Interesting that the company concerned is hiring only people of the highest integrity.

PS Snark aside, hostile and abusive behaviour from frustrated salespersons with anger management issues is not acceptable. I informed the company concerned and sent them a scan of the above note. They replied that the individual in question was being invited to discontinue his employment. Ugh! No matter how rude, I don't like to see people losing their jobs. Overall I'm left with a bad taste in my mouth...

Kyudo

Does anybody else like the look of this...?

Film Review: Saving Private Robin

Devotees of this site will be aware of my penchant for low-brow entertainment. Normally I don't complain when my pursuit of lowly art forms causes disappointment but on this occasion I'm going to make an exception. At the weekend I had a need to disengage my brain from reality and following the voice of my inner child, trotted off to see the latest remake of Robin Hood. It sounded great on paper: a failsafe historical plot with one of my all-time favourite boyhood heroes, a cast of stellar actors and a director with a terrific CV and a string of highly entertaining, well-made box office successes to his credit. As it turned out the whole was quite decidedly less than than the sum of the parts. The actors struggled with an historically absurd Francophobic plot that made Plan 9 from Outer Space look like an Oscar winner and relegated the Sheriff of Nottingham to a comic relief bit part. In general the whole production was turgid with cineamatic clichés, looked lazy and to this punter conveyed the impression that artistic direction had been more than a little compromised by too many glasses of after dinner cognac.

So, Sir Ridley, here are a few suggestions for future projects:

• Avoid those shaky-cam battle scenes shot through a blue filter to maintain aesthetic distance as they are getting more than a little old.

• Likewise is the overuse of CGI which do not suspend my disbelief.

• Find a location other than Bourne Wood for photographing battle sequences as the good people of Surrey are getting fed up with siege engines, Romans, Gauls, Visigoths, English yeomen, cavalry horses, sundry actors painted up in Kensington Gore as well as armies of cinematographic production people traipsing past their front doors every year or so.

• Don't use silly one-liners that are supposed to be movie industry in-jokes: they instantly kill the realism for which you are renowned. I didn't spend $10 to see something that looked like it was derived from "Men in Tights" or a production involving Kevin Costner...

• Don't be lazy and filch scenes from your peers (including Kurosawa and Spielberg) as we do notice and anyway you can do better than that...

I hope that helps a bit -please feel free to contact me if you need a consultant for "Alien Prequel"; my rates are very reasonable.

And finally (I do hope I'm not rubbing your nose in it) the all time gold standard for Robin Hood can be viewed below:

Looks Like a Glazed Donut

Well for those of you who voted for them, I'd like to say (respectfully) that you have short memories. Well shorter than 13 years. And I hope you know your place. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off for a stiff drink...!

Friday Music Blogging: The Sensational Alex Harvey Band

I've been reminded of this jolly bunch in conversations elsewhere. The late great Alex Harvey and his sensational band -1970s British rock at its best. I saw them in Cardiff c1973. Excellent stuff!

An Apple a Day

I've been a fan of Apple Computer since my first purchase of a "Fat Mac" back in 1985. Indeed said computer still sits in my basement although I think it will be awhile before before it becomes collectible enough for me to recoup the $2500 I paid for it 25 years ago. But I digress. Although I've never been a particularly early adopter (I've seen too many 1st generation products with major design flaws for my liking), new products from Apple always pique my interest. So last week I read avidly the specifications of the rumoured 4G iPhone at the online technology site, Gizmodo. This scoop was made possible not by a pre-release of the phone but by an unfortunate incident. Apple employee, Gray Powell, left his phone in a pub in Redwood City, California after a celebrating his birthday. The phone was found and despite some considerable effort to return it to Apple (the customer service dept did not appear to take the finder's phone calls seriously) it found its way to Gizmodo. $5000 exchanged hands and Gizmodo published a highly detailed technical analysis of the device. Apple's culture of product development secrecy is well known and it was a pretty sure bet that CEO, Steve Jobs, was not amused by these goings on. Apple duly wrote to Gizmodo and requested the return of the phone: Gizmodo complied promptly. Was this the end of the story? Hell, no. On return from dinner one evening earlier this week, Gizmodo editor, Jason Chen, found his house swarming with police from the multi-agency Rapid Enforcement Allied Computer Team (REACT). They had a search warrant, had knocked down his front door and seized Mr Chen's computers, digital cameras, servers and other equipment. Understandably, this heavy handed approach has caused lawyers to be involved and the outcome of the saga will probably involve a lot of litigation and millions of dollars. One thing is clear, don't mess with Stevie unless you want a fight...(vid below says it all: don't play it loudly at work or in the presence of children):

The Song Remains the Same

The UK's Independent newspaper reports that Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" is the country's favourite rock song. I have to confess, I've been quite partial to this ditty myself ever since I heard it back in 1971. Dinosaur music indeed! But there should be no doubt that the song is an enduring modern classic that has spawned a million covers and to the chagrin of guitar shop owners everywhere, the opening riff must have been copied by just about every garage band member on the planet. Some of these covers are in themselves near works of genius and I thought it worth mentioning them here:

First up is this neo-classical rendition by Australia's Benaud Trio which is possibly the most emotional version I've ever heard:


This interpretation by Dread Zeppelin is brilliant: a reggae band with an Elvis impersonator for a lead singer. What's not to like...?


If the Dublin-based Mexican duo, Rodrigo y Gabriela, ever come to Seattle I shall be sprinting for tickets. Attacking rock rhythms naturally convert to percussive flamenco guitar:


Any compilation such as this needs a jazz version: here's the amazing Stanley Jordan.


Australian tribute bands are the greatest. No spoilers here -I'll let this performance by The Beatnix take you by surprise:


And if your not impressed by any of this here's the definitive performance:

Black Belt

My iaido shodan certificate (menkyo) has arrived. I think it looks rather fine and am quite proud. It felt like earning a degree which in some ways it was. A trip to the framers is warranted...

A Place in the Sun -Sort Of

I need some time off. This place sounds nice (anybody remember 1977?):

Streets of San Francisco

Today is the late Steve McQueen's 80th birthday. Hard to believe he was only 50 when he skipped out to the Great Macho Dude Ranch in the Sky. It's also 42 years since the release of Bullitt, possibly the best cinematic car chase of all time. It never gets old and had quite an effect on me at the time; for awhile I started double de-clutching when shifting UP. This muscular technique sounds great in a muscle car with a high displacement engine but slightly silly in a 425cc, 2 cylinder, Citroen 2CV. And back in the 80s when I was a resident of San Francisco I failed quite miserably in an attempt to make my Pontiac Firebird jump down Chestnut Street (to be fair, I was probably 200 horsepower short of Mr McQueen's tuned and modified 6.4L fastback Mustang GT. I did however get pulled over by a policeman who gave me a lecture (fortunately no ticket) for chirping my tires...

Embedding codes for this YouTube clip are not published so to view click here.

Wearing of the Green

I was looking for a photo of something green to celebrate the day and I found this. Irish Racing Green? Well not exactly but it'll do. Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody! And drive safely, too.

My thanks to either Chuck Goolsbee or Olivia Morrow for the photo and my apologies to both for not remembering who took it in the first place.

Debts of Honour

Michael Mackintosh Foot, 23 July 1913 – 3 March 2010.

I was very saddened to read of the death of one of my political heroes, Michael Foot, yesterday, at the grand old age of 96. He was an old style, Old Labour, politician of the highest integrity and a terrific intellectual. A was also a fantastic orator with great depth and unashamed campaigner for peace. He was not, unfortunately, a master of image management or snappy soundbites and was thus an easy target for the right wing media. A case in point was his choice of coat for a memorial service at the Cenotaph in 1981. Shame on them for their superficiality. Neither was he a miracle worker and when leader of Britain's polarised and fragmented Labour party in the early 80s, suffered a humiliating defeat. But he should be remembered as an inspirational politician of principal and courage. Requiescat in pace.